Emily Atack: Asking for it?
In solidarity against online abuse, I met with Emily for the documentary
It would have probably been, psychologically at least, much easier for Emily to produce a documentary that was critical of men sending her dicks daily but didn’t really delve into the damage it causes. Instead Emily has delivered ‘Asking For It?’ to the world. And I think it should be compulsory viewing in RSE classes.
Within minutes of meeting Emily, I was very clear that her documentary would be honest, powerful, painful and pull no punches. Emily is a formidable, dynamic and rightfully angry young woman. We were meant to spend thirty minutes together, we ended up spending two hours. We explored the ways that men try to intimidate, silence or damage women and how infuriating it was and how helpless we felt about being able to actually address and stop the behaviour especially from anonymous accounts.
One of the reasons we created Reclaim These Streets is that police were telling us that the only way to keep ourselves alive and safe was to stay in our homes. The digital version of that is to lock your accounts and only accept requests from people you know in real life. To make our voices and lives smaller; to acquiesce and make ourselves palatable to these men who constantly tell us they are going to shut us up with their virility. I could not have the power and strength in my campaigning if my account was locked.
We would not have raised £600,000 for women and girls groups through Rosa’s Stand With Us fund if we had locked our accounts. We would not have spent the last two years holding the Met Police to account without the public pressure that is available on social media.
Emily and I have experienced vastly different lives, she is a famous actress and campaign for women’s safety but what we share (other than having Cavalier King Charles Spaniels) is being sexualised at a very young age, having experienced violence and abuse at the hands of men and being subjected to regular dick pix and threats from anonymous men on social media. Emily had been wrestling with men thinking they know her in real life and that they deserve her attention and time because she is a gorgeous actress. Part of her appeal is being that accessible, funny and sexy woman that you relate to and want as your best mate. But that does not equate to ownership or access to her real self and person. She was wondering if her pictures were sending the message that she is up for it and will enjoy gross veiny penises that she would never have requested.
I, on the other hand, was very clear of how deranged it is that I go on telly to say that women deserve to get home safe and unmolested and that the police are in need of huge reform and every time I am on television I get sent dicks. For saying that men should not rape and kill us.
I often think about that mindset. This mouthy American bitch dares to take up space and fight back; I know what will shut her up— my gross penis. It’s so dark. And because I had never had a dick pic prior to creating Reclaim These Streets (we organised a vigil for Sarah Everard after she was abducted, raped and murdered by a serving police officer) there was a very clear before and after.
It is impossible to be raised in this society and not internalise misogyny. We are absolutely trained to please people, not raise our voices, not create a scene– in real life and online.
I don’t take any responsibility at all for what men send me online; and that seemed to really land with Emily. This is on them. This is about power and men exerting that theycan still show us who is boss, and knock us down a few rungs. And the solution is not us being less present online.
The scene that I couldn’t watch was when Emily showed her parents what she gets any given day. I felt like I was coping and handling the abuse and crap I was getting online until someone created an impersonator account on Insta linking to a fake FanCentro account (like Onlyfans) with my actual pictures interspersed with close up videos of vulvas with opt ins to get to see more explicit videos of me. And they sent it to my father. To weaponise sex against me and to involve my Dad was terrifying. And it made me a victim– up until that point I was a pundit but not the subject of the news stories. The story was in the NY Post and my grandmother asked me to move home. But if the objective of doing that to me was to shut me up, it didn’t work. Cressida Dick was pushed out as commissioner two days later and I did wall to wall television and radio. If anything it has fuelled me to help the girls and women that don’t have the platform I have.
I participated in a study with Center for Countering Digital Hate where they measured that 10-15% of my messages are penises or propositions or threats. To have the data back up the anecdotal examples stopped me from believing I was making too big of a deal out of the abuse. I have had lots of women say it is the tax for being a woman in the public eye; but why is it acceptable?
The abuse has changed how I vet dates and how up for dating I am. I have lost tons of sleep over trying to figure out if someone is really dangerous or just talking shit. I have removed pictures of my dog where her dog tags show my phone number and I have moved house to be somewhere with a video intercom.
On Tuesday when the documentary aired; I had a male friend take all my passwords and delete, block and report messages as necessary. I resent it, but also know that I am not as productive or effective if I am terrified and there is still so much work to be done.
I am incredibly proud of Emily for not sugar coating or dumbing down the impact of the abuse. I am furious on behalf of the students she spoke to whose first exposure to a penis may be from some stranger online without consent. 11 and 12 year olds and that is their introduction to how little men think of us? The implicit threat is always lingering and we deserve better; from big tech; from police and most importantly from men.
Men need to stop raping us, killing us and trying to intimidate us with their penises. I don’t give a shit if you have a wife, sister, daughter or niece. I care that we are fucking humans and you do not have permission or consent from us.
It’s hard to describe the bravery it took for Emily to make the documentary. Thank you Emily, for being such a badass and standing up for all of us.