This feels like a creative writing exercise. Thinking about Drunk Jamie and how sad I was and the damage and worry I caused. Remembering and reflecting on how I ended a 25 year career as a heavy drinker four years ago. Deciding to quit drinking was the first domino to fall in creating my new existence. And that new existence has been challenging, fulfilling, scary and wonderful. And I cannot believe it has been four years.
I also can’t believe that no one I have met since April 14, 2020 has Drunk Jamie as their reference point for who I am. Last week I had a series of wardrobe and technical mishaps while live on Sky News and instead of losing my shit or crying about it, I was able to style it out and genuinely laugh about it on the way home.
My reactions now are mostly proportional to the situations that I deal with. When drunk and up and down on sugar highs and lows and dopamine ups and down; I thought the whole world was against me and that nothing was my fault. That if only I was better understood, if my mom hadn’t died, if people really understood how much harder it was living in my head; they would appreciate me more. I wanted attention, pity and to endlessly hold the microphone to scream woe is me.
And although I am still sensitive, I recognise that I was extremely privileged and able and capable of creating the meaningful and enjoyable life that I was seeking. A life that had impact and wasn’t all about how hard done by I was.
Gina said that more than anything (and everyone needs a Gina in their life), quitting drinking reminded me that I had agency in my own life. I could call the shots if I got out of my own way. And then once I faced the biggest addiction in my life, anything and everything was possible.
And I am still riding the crest of that wave.
Thinking of what I’ve accomplished over the past four years. I became an activist. I became a campaigner. I became a writer. I became a motivational speaker. I became a pundit. I became a mentor. I’ve just become a Chief Comms Officer.
But more importantly, I reliably became a power house of a friend and advocate again. I became dependable again. And realised the value and love I bring to the table. I am forever grateful that the people I love got me here. Gina said that for so many of those scary drunk Jamie years she just wanted her beautiful friend back. And that Jamie is here to stay.
That Jamie is still a work in progress. I will never think I do enough. I am working on thinking I am enough. I am working on work/life balance. I am working on turning off more and the new love of my life is helping that happen whilst barking the house down. I am optimistic and looking forward to the future.
Here is to the next 40 years without drinking. There is so much more to come; so many possibilities and my cup spilleth over, but now with Diet Coke.
So, so proud of you! What an inspiring story and one you get to keep writing and evolving x