Every person you know has been hurt by male violence against women. Either directly or indirectly, you know a victim of domestic violence or rape and most likely both. Reading about Elianne Andam’s devastated family making a statement that no parent should ever have to make; I am brought back to Sabina Nessa’s sister Jemina talking about her family’s grief. I can’t forget the picture of Sabina’s students holding her picture. I think about walking with Zara Aleena’s family on a silent vigil to mark the year anniversary of her being taken from them.
I think about listening to Mina Smallman talk about her girls. And who they actually were and that they were dancing by the light of their phones when they were cruelly murdered.
And obviously I think about Sarah being taken off the street by the very person meant to protect her. And the horror of all of these attacks makes me nauseous and bereft. And miserable that I and the women I work with in Violence Against Women and Girls have not done enough.
When we are talking about justice for these women, they are already dead. The thousands of lives these would touch with their love, experience and lives robbed senselessly from their loved ones. Their families lives will forever be before the horrific tragedy and after, but why? Why are we allowing a culture of hating women to not only accelerate, but grow.
It’s gotten worse then when I was little. It was understood when I was a teenager; that I had every right to choose what man I wanted to share my body and time with— and if someone didn’t adhere to that, it was unacceptable and in many cases a crime.
But the backlash to Me Too, and some strides towards equality has been this terrifying counterpoint that we owe men our attention, time and bodies. That we are there for the taking and not for the giving. That it is our fault that men aren’t getting the… I don’t know, respect, diffidence and worship that they now believe they are entitled to. And what are we doing to combat it? How are we fighting the rhetoric? How are our male counterparts that are as horrified as we are fighting it?
I have spent the two and a half years since Sarah Everard was killed campaigning for women’s safety and police reform; because a society where there is not misogyny benefits men and women. A society where women and men are valued and humanise each other is a society where children that are wanted grow and flourish and like themselves and the friends and eventually lovers that they choose.
But my work, my constant screaming into the void, my refusal to speak to women’s groups about male violence against us is such a small part of the bigger puzzle. I am not even a speck in the same conversation as Andrew Tate and his incredible reach and influence. (And he could have been stopped; the police are complicit in letting him train a generation of rapists and misogynists).
Teaching boys that they are entitled to our bodies are what encourages a boy to bring plastic flowers in his left hand and a machete in his right hand. And no, it is not every man—- but it should be no man. Ever. And that there is a huge part of twitter arguing not all men rather than reacting in horror to what this child suffered is terrifying.
I don’t know how to make this better, my voice is gone from screaming and crying and despairing for the Andam’s and Nessa’s and Aleena’s and the Smallman’s and Everard’s and the three women killed every week at the hands of men in this country. And I feel defeated.
But it is not inevitable. It is not a given. We need to deprogram boys that have subscribed to a human trafficker’s misogyny and hate. We need to expose it and offer a counterpoint. We need to use the RSE curriculum to teach respect and consent and combat the misogyny. Schools need to flag kids from violent homes and offer mental health assistance and pay attention to the warning signs. We cannot and should not just hope for the best because the very worst will happen.
We need to value our little girls. We need to teach the boys in their classes that they should come forward if someone is dangerous. If they hear boys talking about stabbing thier classmates. We need to arm our boys with ways to combat misogyny. We need to give our teachers the resources to combat the incel and Tate rhetoric. Our lives depend on it. Our little girls lives depend on it. We owe it to Elianne, to Sabina, to Nikki and Bibaa, to Zara Aleena, to Sarah and all women that have lost their lives at the hands of men that hate us. We need to stop the hate.
It is an epidemic of violence against women, and women can’t fix it. If we could solve this, it would have been fixed years ago.
I’m so sorry Elianne. I am so sorry we didn’t keep you safe and alive, you deserved a life without fear. A life where you had a chance to do everything you imagined and dreamed of. I’m so so sorry.