In a recent study 50% of men think they could step in and land a plane in an emergency situation. And 12% of men surveyed thought they could beat Serena Williams at tennis. There is confidence and then there is an inflated sense of self and ego that is not based in reality. A reality that then translates to them being the catch, even when it is demonstrably not true, see Simone Biles’ partner claiming that she is the one punching above her weight. What are we doing to boys to make them become such entitled arrogant men that think that anything they believe they can do, they instantly magically can? This idea of them wanting something or someone means that they should have it, regardless of what the task at hand is or who the person they want is. That’s not how it is meant to work. You can’t land a plane because you watched a couple of movies. You wanting someone doesn’t mean that they have to acquiesce to your desire.
And just like the fantasy of believing that men can land a plane; I no longer subscribe to the fiction that getting married means happily ever after. This piece is about the destructive patterns I have observed and the reason I no longer aspire to get married. I spent years wanting my long term partner to propose, not because I actually wanted to be married to him, but because I had been conditioned to believe that without a man choosing me, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t loveable enough for someone to commit forever publicly. To have that victory lap proving that I could land a husband.
I know good men exist, I have a great many in my life but not in the romantic sense. And I have dated kind men who I loved and a few men that were awful to me which I took as a challenge. If I could convince them that I was their person, I would be a part of the elusive couples club that would signify my being a proper grown up. That being proposed to would mean I was a real adult and not the single lady with cats (dogs in my case) trope.
This isn’t a diatribe about individual men, it is a criticism of heterosexual marriage and how bad the institution can be for women who enlist in it. It is about hard it is for women to successfully navigate merging two lives and retaining who she is. That is not to say there aren’t benefits to having a life partner that you love. There are also some benefits to the stability of marriage; but I question if they are worth the trade off of self especially if you don’t intend on having children.
In the 80s Newsweek ran a cover story saying women over forty were more likely to be in a terrorist attack than find a husband, the whole game changed. It went from women seeking a man to love and cherish to women competing for and settling upon any man willing to marry them. Men reap the rewards of our society’s internalised misogyny. We excuse bad behaviour as long as it doesn’t qualify as abuse or adultery. We downplay our opinions and self to make sure that we don’t end up a spinster. Divorced is now acceptable, but never getting down the aisle is seen as a failure of character. I have been called frigid and had people tell me I am going to end up alone with my dog; without realising how attractive that scenario is to me when compared to a typical marriage.
The data from Newsweek was later refuted but the damage was done. Tattooed on women’s psyche is that we are not enough until a man picks you over other women. The urban myth of that story kicked off women doing absolutely anything to make sure you were the one he put a ring on. All of the hoopla around engagements makes the wedding the grand prize and don’t get me started on how manipulative public proposals are.
How many couples do you know that are really equal and happy? They are certainly some in existence but as a whole is it worth it? The couples that are equals are swimming against the tide and fighting a lifetime of conditioning that defines what a marriage is. And can women really thrive long term in marriages that aren’t equal?
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