Love in the time of catfishing

An attempt to understand what he got out of the deception, and meeting his next victim.

This is the profile that was used to trick me. I doubt the man in the image knows he and his dog are being used for nefarious purposes.

This is the message I sent to the man that catfished me Dr Frank (the name he provided): 

“I started to write about our exchanges this weekend and why I felt so humiliated and exposed. And how hard I find it to date or let people see more than the public persona of me- and not always think people want to break me. 

And then thinking about it, I know the damage it has done to my already fragile layer of bravado— but the writer, and the human in me really wants to understand your point of view. Is it for attention? Is it to pay me back for shooting down Nick? Is it just a prank call to you without realising the implications. 

For me to do what I do (I’m a national campaigner for Women’s Safety and co-founder of Reclaim These Streets- literally the poster girl for male perpetrated violence against women), and write what I write, there is a ton of info out there about me; and our interaction reminded me not to trust that people are as honest and open as I am. I am gullible and trusting despite everything that has happened to me. 

At least whoever made the fake only fans of me didn’t pretend to see me as a woman that has never really been in love or depended on a man- and yes you came on way way strong and it was flattering a bit; but I spoke to you for a long time about how scary it can be being me. 

Were you laughing at me? Was the plan to stand me up in public? Or did you just enjoy talking and want it to continue and you got too far in to admit what happened. You don’t have to tell me who you are, but I would really like to understand if you do it a lot? Why me? We talked about being completely open and honest when everything you were saying was a lie. Was I targeted? Were you writing an article on how unsafe women’s safety campaigners are? And how reckless? 

I honestly do not know if I will date again this year and understanding your why might help me feel less scared and paranoid that everyone aims to hurt me. I can keep this all confidential if it means you answer- or publish without your identity but with your permission.

But my panic is real. My fear of you or others following me, wanting to silence me is very real. 

And I am asking you as a hurt woman- why?”

I unblocked his number and pressed send I didn’t really expect a reply. But if he did respond, I hoped he’d admit to his actions out of guilt. That would require self-awareness, accountability, and honesty—traits he clearly does not possess. 

Within minutes of sending the above message, he asked me to call him. I did and he then began by expressing concern for my mental health and accusing me of blaming him for every man who had violated me in the past. He claimed I was paranoid and delusional for thinking he would catfish me. According to him, it was such an outrageous accusation. How dare I? 

Realising there would be no admission or apology from him, I said I would write about what he had done to me. And that was the trigger for him.  He flipped the script, threatening to sue me for libel if I published his phone number or the messages exchanged between us. I never threatened to publish his phone number but that is what he was shouting about. His fake legal journalist persona was as unbelievable as his doctor act. I explained that you can't libel a fictional character. And I was well within my rights to publish anything I had written. 

He had the audacity to forbade me from sharing any elements of his pretend identity. His second message to me when we were matched said: ‘Plus what you see if what you get with me.’ Sure sure. 

He had researched my sympathy triggers and used each of them: claimed he had quit drinking, had a dead mom, had a dog, he was helping a family member escape domestic violence—all checked off like a sympathy checklist catered to me specifically to gain my trust and make me overlook inconsistencies in his story— like telling me he was sober despite listing wine as one of his interests.

You have to believe most people are honest and kind in order to subject yourself to the vulnerability of online dating, or just dating in general. And I refuse to let him stop me from connecting with someone who is a decent human.

I had him bang to rights so he just kept saying how much he was worried for me as a person if I was that paranoid. 

On this final, very short conversation he said that my referencing his supposedly dead mother was a low blow. If you weaponize your deceased mother to manipulate and lie to a woman, that's on you. She’d be so proud of her son pathetically catfishing women.

I ended the call with, “Go for it, sue me.” And then messaged a final time when I was informed that the phone he was using to catfish multiple women was registered to David Moore.  I messaged “Hi David Moore.” And then blocked him permanently.

And then his next victim reached out to me. And her actions enabled me to write this, so I am sharing the rest of the story with you (with her blessing). More below.

When I first realised I had been duped I blamed myself. I had a panic attack and vomited. I felt stupid for speaking to him on the phone. And I hadn’t even shared anything with him that wasn’t public. I hadn’t sent any pictures. We didn’t talk about sex. He was mostly going over the top about how he knew me from telly and always assumed I was married.

After I realised, I reported his account to Bumble and tweeted his profile to warn other women and to let the man in the pictures know how his image was being used. A reverse phone number search showed the phone he was using to catfish is registered to a David Moore of Fulham. He had said he lived in Fulham so that checked out. I tried to also report him to Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Hinge but you need to relate the complaint to the fraudulent account rather than report a phone number- which I think is an oversight.  There should be a way to report him across the board of online dating as a predator and liar. 

I couldn’t stop wondering if he was someone I knew, an incel, a potential stalker, a random, a Met Police Officer, or a journalist trying to expose me as gullible.  Does he even realise that he hates women? Does he know he is violating the agreement that is entered into in dating online? How much common sense women have to shelve to date at all.  How many women have geolocaters on them in case the man gets violent or hurts them.   

That is dating in 2024. Not knowing if the man you are meeting from the internet has good intentions or will hurt you. We tell our friends who we are meeting and where.  We have to mitigate the risk if we want to meet a partner.  It is how most people meet these days and women know that we could become a victim. 

Before realising he didn’t exist, I had explicitly talked about what the work has cost me in terms of confidence and mojo. I expressed how difficult it is to publicly work in women’s safety and date. That I had built up a huge fortress and had counselling about trusting and dating. And that I need to be extra careful because of all the threats I receive and the effect those threats have had on my life.  

And yet he persisted. He kept up his pretence, even once I told him he could alleviate my fears by sharing ID and facetiming.  He refused the video call and claimed he was on with a vulnerable sister of his.  That selfies and meeting in a public place was enough to make me safe and I was being over sensitive.  That he hadn’t asked anything of me and that I was really insane and should seek help. I told him I had had a panic attack when I realised he was catfishing me and he minimised the damage of his actions and kept saying I was unstable to let his actions affect me. 

Before I knew he was fake, I had sent him an article about a fake OnlyFans made of me (and sent to my father) and talked about being in the documentary Asking for It? with Emily Atack. In a study for the center for countering digital hate that I participated in, it found that my DMs from strangers are comprised of 10-15% of threats, propositions or penis pictures that I did not consent to receiving. I specifically detailed how difficult it is to date as a public figure in Women’s Safety given the amount of hate and threats I receive. 

He claimed online flashing was equivalent to rape, which I called out as ridiculous. He claimed he was shocked and spun a yarn about a first girlfriend who was killed when they were young and how much she and his sisters and mother prepared him to be a good man and partner that respects women. Real champion of women and ally right there David.  

He specifically mentioned that I have done such amazing work and he was personally affected by Sarah’s death because he lived in Fulham. Claimed to be installing a ring camera for the women he rented a flat to to make them feel safe. 

I tweeted this at the time:

and

A few days after I confronted him, a woman messaged me on Instagram, saying he had catfished her too. Initially I was scared that she was either him or one of his friends trying to extend my humiliation. Instead, she was brilliant and we were able to swap stories and confirm his trickery. 

He had told her I was an amazing American activist from the Sarah vigil, but  I was "obsessed" with him and “stalking him”, which led her to my tweets exposing him. He was aiming for her sympathy, and instead she found me and got in touch. She explained to him that my asking for ID before meeting was perfectly reasonable. He actually read her part of my message above to illicit sympathy from her. Like I was the woman in Baby Reindeer rather than the victim here. 

Her call stopped me from feeling so stupid. He did this intentionally to both of us and likely many others. I am grateful she spoke to me, which is why I’m sharing this. We can all be fooled. We can all be manipulated. This is on the men intentionally deceiving us, not on us for trying to date in strange times. He eventually admitted to her that he had catfished her and me. 
Her actions have allowed me to believe this was not my fault. Our internalised misogyny allows us to judge women that got themselves into a dangerous situation or got themselves raped.

No. Men that deceive, attack, lie and kill us are responsible for the violence they commit. I don’t speak to women’s groups about male safety beause it is not something we can fix. It is on the perpetrators of that violence. They are the ones in this situation that hold all of the cards and all of the choice. They are the ones that remove that choice from us.

I have shared this piece with her and gotten her permission to publish it.  I wrote it and share it to alleviate the embarrassment and shame of being tricked. I felt like I was back in middle school meeting the boy I liked after school, only for it to be a trick by mean girls.

Added in after publication: From the DMs I am receiving, many of you have never told anyone that you were a victim of deception. The next victim telling me her story allowed me to tell mine. And if he comes for me, I took down the chief of the metropolian police, try me.

When people ask what real change Reclaim These Street has achieved, I cite that the conversations that women used to only have drunk at 3am with other women are now happening at dining room tables. We are sharing our experiences with the men in our life that we love and will have more impact on other male behaviour than we ever will.

I waited a month to publish this. Until I was not longer scared or furious when it became more about solidarity with women than revenge for what he did, I wrote this and shared it because my story might allow other victims a reprieve from shame. I am quite literally the poster girl for Women’s Safety and he pulled ever lever to make me doubt my instincts. This is not because I am a fool. This is not because I chose to online date.

This is because a man who I literally shared evidence of public abuse against me wanted my attention. He wanted the enjoyment of hurting me. This act is all about him.

And he went to seek another victim the day after I confronted him. And told her about me, which is maybe the strangest/stupidest part.

My publishing removes my shame or blame. And I hope it also allows you to give yourself that forgiveness, that grace, that kindness. If you do not blame me for this, please don’t blame yourself.

I told the next man I met on the site what had happened. He immediately sent me his LinkedIn profile and offered to FaceTime before meeting. That is an appropriate response to a reasonable request. If someone is not willing to perform minor actions to ease your mind, they do not deserve your company. Trust your gut, if something seems off, it is.  You are not the one in the wrong.  We should not have to be on guard constantly but these are the times we are living and dating in. 

The real guy in Dr. Frank’s pictures deserves an apology for how his face and his dog are being used to manipulate women. And the man using the phone registered to David Moore of Fulham is a danger to women and a liar.