My mother would have been seventy on Wednesday.
Having a complex relationship with my mom and a pretty awful breakdown after she died has left me in an often unsettled place. Cariad Lloyd’s book, You Are Not Alone, talks about complicated grief, and it is the first thing that has really resonated with me. I’ve been honest about the fact that my mother died very worried about my drinking and my future.
I know she would be thrilled with the changes I’ve made in my life. We always fiercely loved each other, even if there were times we didn’t like each other very much.
With all that said, it comes as no surprise that I seek friend’s mothers company, praise and love. My American best friend’s mother Marie has been a second mom to me, we’ve holidayed in Italy and I stay with her when in Philadelphia. My British best friend’s mum is who was with me the day I took redundancy after a decade. I don’t even pretend that I don’t want and need it, but I tend to keep it to women that I grew up with or who were there for the last ten years. But this weekend I got it from an unexpected source, my friend Sun’s mother, at her wedding.
On New Year’s Day, my new neighbour Sun knocked on my door, practically in tears with her passport and cash having spent eight hours in the dark after a flight from China. The place she was told to pay for an electricity key was closed for New Years. She didn’t want me to think she was pulling some scam, but really needed help. I brought her inside, gave her some tea and asked her to stop apologising. I kept saying that if the situation was reversed, and I was in China and needed help, she would certainly have done the same thing. I also have a ton of pictures of my Chinese born adopted sisters so we were talking about them and I was glad she knocked on my door. I hated to think if someone had not been kind, and it was an errand that only took me ten minutes and got her lights and heating on.
Sun and her partner David later invited me to an amazing Chinese New Year dinner and we learned that she had spent a summer at Knoebel’s Amusement Park, the family owned Pennsylvania place that my sisters went every year and took me last summer. The assurance of knowing and liking your neighbours is so important, especially when we are all immigrants and far from our families. Sun and David have helped when I was stuck for someone to watch my puppy and I was thrilled to learn of their engagement.
I was honoured to be invited to share in David and Sun’s gorgeous wedding celebration last weekend. When Bowen’s mom had her translator thank me for helping with the electricity and helping to look after her daughter, I was holding back tears. She then told me that Sun looks up to me, and the tears started. I was surprised that her mother even knew who I was.
I represented my mother by helping someone in need on New Year’s Day. It was a small action that took no time at all and resulted in a friendship. My mom always had a seat open at her table. She loved celebrating the successes of her students and friends. She always wanted people she loved to shine.
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