Oh McNulty

Preparing to say goodbye to my girl

It has just gone ten and I keep checking on my elderly dog McNulty’s breathing.  You see, I am about to have to say goodbye to my sidekick after thirteen years and a half years and it is breaking my heart.  But even being able to type that is miles from where I was four years ago, when I had lost any pull to stay alive. 

She has gotten me through the roughest patch– and by patch I mean about 2013-2020.  After my mom died, Gina (best friend regularly mentioned) was googling life spans of Cavaliers and panicking about if McNulty was not alive to take care of me.  But McNults was a true soldier and there for all of it. I have joked that I have a dog instead of a baby because McNults can never go on Oprah and talk shit.

Last year, McNults fainted when I was coming back from Margate.  I carried her home from Kings Cross (which I would not have been physically strong enough to do a year prior).  Gina’s partner Callum’s mom is a vet and did an emergency consult with me.  She gently asked me to go in the other room as it was not good for McNults to see me in that state.  Little did she know that that had been my normal state for years and years post 3 pm.  I cried daily for years.  Like bawled and sobbed publicly daily.  I once went to a doctor because I thought I was bipolar as I would wake up thinking I would conquer the world and by 3 pm I would go off a cliff.  Unsurprisingly those massive mood swings were directly correlated to the amount of white wine I was consuming.  

When I told Laura, the Margate friend about what Callum’s mum had said, she recounted me sitting in her armchair using McNults’ ears as tissues.  My McNults.  13 ½ years.  My sidekick, my long suffering diva dog.  She is the first ‘person’ that I put before myself.  I loved her with every part of me.  She is a bossy madam; who brought Jonny (my ex, but very long term love) and I together.  She loved his parents, especially his mum who was ridiculously generous with cheese and chicken and crusts.  Jonny had to bring her to the head of the care home to make sure she was gentle and wouldn’t disturb patients.  And not only did she not disturb patients, she happily snuggles with the ‘old timers’ as Jonny calls them.  Happy for any loving lap especially his mums during every visit.

The first time Jonny took care of her was when I stayed in America for my mom’s first bout of chemo.  Knowing he loved her as much as I did let me concentrate on my mom.  And when I came back it seemed silly to have a dog walker when she could have round the clock company with Jonny’s family.  So I had her less during the week but she was universally spoiled and loved.  

Incredibly food motivated and monogamous with humpy bear since she was a baby.  I’ve spent the last 14 months carting her around in a buggy so she doesn’t feel left out.  She often carries her ball in her mouth in the buggy as we walk the canal.  We did the lockdown together; the million miles I was walking when I quit drinking was too much for the old girl who had spent her life preparing to be in the pub.  

We have had the best life together.  I could not have loved her more or gotten her more press coverage.  She is Moshi Monster #41.  Children used to send her fan mail and make cakes of her.  There were plush toys.  Her fourth birthday involved a life sized cake of her.  Her 6th birthday was a fundraiser for a friend’s daughter who was suffering from cancer.  I also auctioned her off for £1,000 to attend a nine year old’s birthday for another friend who was battling cancer.  When I called her to say I got a £1,000 pounds for a night with McNults which was much more than I would be going for at market rate. 

When there was an event at the Royal Geographic Society where Dominic West was interviewing John Major, my friend Olivia (who I think was at Wired at the time) told me I could get McNults in for a pic with Dominic.  As I went up for the pic, he laughed as every men’s mag interview he did someone brought up my dog.  I then, strangely went to John Major for a pic with her (don’t ask, I was still drinking) and Dominic quipped “don’t let her tell you the dog is named Major.”  My pic with McNulty with McNulty would be my favourite Christmas card ever. 

13 years gives you a million memories.  Camilla Elphick making bespoke shoes of her face which I would later wear while I delivered my TEDx speech.  The TEDxKingston team brought her out on stage at the end of the talk to the delight of the audience and me. 

On Monday she couldn’t lift herself up.  She has an enlarged heart and has been on heart meds since she fainted.  So, I brought her breakfast and called Gina and Jonny.  I made her a steak and gave her Babybels and prepared for the horrible goodbye.  I don’t want to keep her alive to stave off my grief.  But once we were at the vet she ran around a bit and begged for a treat, showing off for the Vet like always.

I know we are approaching the end, but am glad for any time that I have left with her where she is bossy and perky and happy.  Yesterday I was offered a puppy from a reputable breeder, but cannot make her last days or weeks about anyone but my girl. 

She was my first puppy.  My first true love.  The purest and least complicated love.  She will never be replaced.  I will have other dogs and love other dogs, but will never ever forget my mom getting off the Gatwick Express and meeting my puppy.  And McNults sitting across our laps in the taxi back.  She has been my constant companion and sidekick and the best girlie in the world.  My heart will break when the time comes but I could not have loved her more.