A couple of weeks ago, I dug out a “Dog Mama” jumper that my friend Meaghan gave me years ago that I had buried in the bottom of paperwork so that I would never mistakenly stumble upon it. I was not sure that it was a club I would ever be ready to join again.
After McNulty died, I couldn’t face the Heath. I was crying on Cavaliers in the street and on the tube. My friend Anna showed up with a Shepard’s Pie and a crumble and her boy Milo (who I already loved and had pet sat for the previous year).
Other members of Cavaliers of London offered up their dogs for visits and walks. But my heart was broken. I was lonelier than I have ever been but didn’t want any dog. I wanted the madam. I wanted her haughty sass. I wanted my girl back and there was no replacement. But I recognised that I needed the physicality of love and attention that only someone with a waggy tail can give. There are people that have dogs as pets and then there are people whose dogs are their family members and then there is me.
My friend Ellen and bonded over McNulty and have sent each other over a thousand dog pictures and memes over the last year.
She introduced me to Trusted Housesitters and it was the perfect option for me. I was able to live with a dog for a couple of weeks without the 14 year commitment or long term responsibility. It was basically my post break up slut phase. I would move in; cuddle with them for two weeks and then kiss them goodbye.
As for the people whose dogs I was looking after, I don’t drink, have my own flat and just wanted furry company to adore and sing to and sleep with. I would send them my Guardian article on McNulty and they would all invite me in with open arms and a waggy tail. For a year, I let my heart heal. I fell in short term love with Briggs, Sprocket, Brewster, Harvey, Djoko, Bafta and my more regular loves Leo, Milo and Maisie. Weirdly they have all been male dogs by chance (except Maisie).
It is telling that the biggest scandal I had last year was almost being caught in bed with Briggsy when he was supposed to sleep in the crate. And the most worrying moment was mistakenly stepping on my little Leo. Through some tears, I brought him up to my flat and was inspecting every bit of him to make sure there was no real damage and we didn’t need to go to the vet. I was completely alarmed by a big lump out of nowhere, how did I break the dog? I was about to call the emergency vet and held him up to inspect the lump. It was not a lump at all. It was his balls. His actual balls. McNults didn’t have them. Tears of concern then turned to hysteric laughter as I realised that I had just given him a good old extensive feel. No wonder he loves me so much.
Over the course of the year I went from crying when people asked, to pining for my own pup to love and care for. Spending time with so many other dogs really crystallised that no one will ever be McNulty. No one will ever replace her but I will love my next dog just as much. They each have such unique personalities and traits. And soak up being loved. All they want is to make you happy and to be safe and I could give that to a puppy in spades. A guy I used to work with said he didn’t “get” pets. Why would you love something that much that you know will die before you? I could not explain the joy, love and comfort McNulty brought me. She saved my life; and stayed alive and with me until I was healthy and strong and safe. She did her job times ten. And took the adoration in stride. When friends were considering a puppy and wanted to have a weekend with her; I had to warn them that she was more of a demanding stuffed animal than a puppy.
A friend said that I needed to take care of myself not a puppy but having a puppy to smother with my neediness and attention and love is my own self care. A month ago, my new boyfriend sent me a picture of cavalier puppies in Malta. They are the only litter from the family’s daughter’s service dog and the family wanted to make sure they would not be used to breed. Their only priority was that the pups would be safe and adored and family members.
I immediately whatsapped her the article in the Guardian that I wrote about McNults, birthday pictures and articles I wrote when I was losing her. She did not respond. My partner was worried that I may have overwhelmed her and reached back out to buffer my avalanche of excitement. Turns out it was not the number that she uses for Whatsapp. So I had a second chance at a first impression. I needn’t have worried. She has three adult Cavaliers and loved that I am in Cavaliers of London and all of the McNulty pictures.
So I am now puppy proofing my home and getting ready to fall back in love. In two and a half weeks, we will pick up Smalls and take him on a European road trip to his forever home. My boyfriend went to meet the pups and facetime me with my naughty little puppernut squash Smalls. Every day I am treated with pictures and videos of my boy. Every day the excitement grows.
In less than three weeks, I get to rejoin my favourite club. I’m ready to be a Dog Mama again. I’m ready to say “You’re Killing Me Smalls” a million times. My heart is ready to love him and my girl McNulty taught me how.
Loved this so much! Congratulations on your new family member x
This is just the most beautiful article! So glad you have found room to love another floofs again. Smalls will be the luckiest pup to have you as a mama x